Frida Loftis, left, and Roberto Hernandez are friends since 1992 together with Roberto's employer for 13 years Margarita Borja Dalton. The joke about a grandmother was the best joke Frida has ever heard. It was told, of course, by Roberto, who executed the punch line very well. (Photo by Roberto Hernandez)
"SPARE MY GRANDMA, PLEASE"
A provincial bus is traveling many kilometers with its passengers mostly older men with the exception of a retired 65-year-old grandmother, who is still a good chess player.
She is traveling with her teen-age granddaughter.
On the way to the uphill part of their travel, a group of bandits stopped the bus with their guns pointed at the passengers and the bus driver.
The bandits' leader instructed them to get off the bus with the ladies and men to be separated.
AND HE ANNOUNCED, "ALL LADIES WILL BE RAPED!"
The teen-age granddaughter pleaded to the leader of the bandits by saying, "Please spare my grandma. She's too old."
Grandma to her granddaughter, "SHUT UP! HE SAID ALL!"
The leader has one more announcement -- "All the ladies will be raped repeatedly by the number of their teeth!"
GRANDMA HAS ONLY ONE TOOTH IN THE FRONT!
After a bandit raped her once, he is ready to run but grandma shouted, "Hey, come back! I still have one up in my jaw!"
***Please pardon some languages.***
QUICK, SMART AND HILARIOUS REPLY
It happened in late 1990's. At about past 12:00 midnight, all guests have left the Image Restaurant (which is open for dinner from 6-9 pm. Roberto Hernandez operates the karaoke from 9-11 after playing piano from 7-9pm.
Karaoke stopped and Roberto just practice with Ivan II Chess Computer while his boss Margarita 'Margie' Borja Dalton, Encely Ngiraiwet, Joyce Isechal and Frida Loftis are just talking and finishing their drinks.
Suddenly, the phone rings. AT 12:00 MIDNIGHT?
It's an unusual time to get a phone call for a restaurant. All restaurants in Palau closed at 11:00pm at the latest.
Being the owner and manager of Image Restaurant, Margie answered the call... "Image Restaurant, Good Evening."
There's a middle-aged Palauan guy who asked Margie an unexpected question -- "Can I eat your pussy?"
Margie, being a smart, quick to response to any question, replied with, "SORRY, IT'S NOT IN THE MENU!"
Roberto just learned about that response when the 4 Palauan ladies started to laugh very loud. Maybe the Palauan guy didn't expect that response and was in shock.
When I told this joke to Palau Chief Justice Arthur Ngiraklsong before Christmas of 2013, he enjoyed it especially the quick response from Margie. He knew her since childhood. He adores her beauty until now that she's past 65 years old.
He told Roberto on that night that he heard this joke, that Margie asked her once --"CAN YOU MARRY ME?"
And he replied -"YES! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK!"
Margie replied back --"No, I mean I'm getting married and I want you to marry us at the Rock Island wedding."
Margie married (for the 3rd time) Japanese businessman Masa Shibuta at the Rock Island in the late '80's or early '90's. Mr. Shibuta comes to Palau every 3 months since their wedding.
Chief Justice also enjoyed the joke "WHICH ROOM?"
Four persons died at the same time in 4 different places. One is a priest, the other is an American soldier in Iraq, the 3rd one is a chess Grandmaster and the 4th one is a prostitute.
At
the pearly gate of heaven, St. Peter asked them one by one of “What are the
good things that you have done while you’re living on earth?”
The
priest said, “I am a priest and I think I don’t need to explain anything.”
St.
Peter sees the purity in the priest’s heart and said to him – “You go to the
WHITE ROOM.”
Next
is the American soldier who died from a bomb explosion in Iraq. He said, “I’m a
soldier. I died serving my country.”
St.
Peter sees the bravery in his heart and said to him –“You go to the RED ROOM.”
The
3rd one is the chess Grandmaster. He was asked again of “what are
the good things that you did while you’re still living on earth?” He said, “I’m
a chess Grandmaster. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol. I dedicate my whole
life to chess.”
St.
Peter sees the dedication of the Grandmaster and ask him – “You go to the
CHECKERED ROOM.”
And
lastly, St. Peter asked the prostitute –“What are the good things that you did
on earth while you’re still living?” She said, “I make a lot of men happy!”
St.
Peter asks her, “Okay, you go to MY ROOM”.
THE CHIEF JUSTICE THOUGHT THAT THE GRANDMASTER WOULD HAVE THE BEST ROOM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T SMOKE, DRINK AND LEAD A STRAIGHT LIFE!
MR. NGIRAKLSONG ENJOYED THAT NIGHT OF JOKES THAT HE GAVE ROBERTO $5.00 TIP, AND 2 GLASSES OF RED WINE.
HE ALSO LIKES THE STORY OF ROBERTO WHEN MARGIE HAS OFFERED HIM A DRINK AND ROBERTO GOT A SHOT OF COGNAC. ROBERTO TOLD MARGIE A FEW DAYS LATER THAT COGNAC MADE ROBERTO TO HAVE SEX APPETITE!
When Roberto was given by Chief Justice the 2nd glass of red wine, CJ jokingly asked, "Are you sure you don't want a cognac?"
Chief Justice Ngiraklsong became a chess addict when he was studying Law in the USA. When his grades deteriorated because he's not focus on studies, he was advised to totally stopped playing chess. Which he did but he regrets it today (the total stopping). He said he should stop but should have give a little time to enjoy it even once in a while.
He also likes Greek music. Roberto mentioned to him 2 years ago that he played music at Khayam Taverna (Greek Restaurant) in Bahrain for 2 years and 3 months (Jan. 1987- April 1989). CJ had seen the movie "Zorba, the Greek" and explained to Roberto how he loved the song and the story of the movie.
On Dec. 15, 2014, Roberto met CJ at Waves Restaurant when he is about to go to the rest room after playing piano. CJ said that the annex building of the Supreme Court is about to be finished in April 2015. He invited Roberto to perform again there.
In one of their conversation 2 years ago, Roberto mentioned to CJ that he played in his inauguration as Palau Chief Justice at Judicial Building on Dec. 02, 1992. He was surprised at said, "Oh! That was a long time ago!"
https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2223213667651635496#editor/target=post;postID=1029399873347817487;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=855;src=link
THE CHIEF JUSTICE THOUGHT THAT THE GRANDMASTER WOULD HAVE THE BEST ROOM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T SMOKE, DRINK AND LEAD A STRAIGHT LIFE!
MR. NGIRAKLSONG ENJOYED THAT NIGHT OF JOKES THAT HE GAVE ROBERTO $5.00 TIP, AND 2 GLASSES OF RED WINE.
HE ALSO LIKES THE STORY OF ROBERTO WHEN MARGIE HAS OFFERED HIM A DRINK AND ROBERTO GOT A SHOT OF COGNAC. ROBERTO TOLD MARGIE A FEW DAYS LATER THAT COGNAC MADE ROBERTO TO HAVE SEX APPETITE!
When Roberto was given by Chief Justice the 2nd glass of red wine, CJ jokingly asked, "Are you sure you don't want a cognac?"
Chief Justice Ngiraklsong became a chess addict when he was studying Law in the USA. When his grades deteriorated because he's not focus on studies, he was advised to totally stopped playing chess. Which he did but he regrets it today (the total stopping). He said he should stop but should have give a little time to enjoy it even once in a while.
He also likes Greek music. Roberto mentioned to him 2 years ago that he played music at Khayam Taverna (Greek Restaurant) in Bahrain for 2 years and 3 months (Jan. 1987- April 1989). CJ had seen the movie "Zorba, the Greek" and explained to Roberto how he loved the song and the story of the movie.
On Dec. 15, 2014, Roberto met CJ at Waves Restaurant when he is about to go to the rest room after playing piano. CJ said that the annex building of the Supreme Court is about to be finished in April 2015. He invited Roberto to perform again there.
In one of their conversation 2 years ago, Roberto mentioned to CJ that he played in his inauguration as Palau Chief Justice at Judicial Building on Dec. 02, 1992. He was surprised at said, "Oh! That was a long time ago!"
https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=2223213667651635496#editor/target=post;postID=1029399873347817487;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=855;src=link
**The next joke is another true story....
(Photo by Roberto Hernandez)
CHOPPED STEAK AND SCREWDRIVER
It's my day off on that Sunday and played chess that afternoon in a 3-month Palau chess tourney.
If there are guests who will be singing karaoke, I instructed the on-duty staff to call me in my room to tell them the laser disc where a requested song is located. That is from 9pm onwards.
During the dinner time (7-9pm), there are rarely karaoke singers especially on a Sunday night.
I have to get something in the restaurant so I dropped by there and it's a very busy night.
There is a group of Filipinos at the middle table (photo) and most of them have food already at the table. One Filipino, who is also a chess player, asked me, "How come my ordered chopped steak is still not here. It's almost an hour already."
I asked a service staff who is on duty, "Who is in charge of that table? He said his ordered chopped steak is almost an hour and not yet there."
She said it's Amy, the new employee from Mainland China who is not yet good in English.
I asked Amy, "Where is the chopped steak that the guest have ordered almost an hour now?"
Amy said, "ALREADY THERE!" I looked again at the table and still no chopped steak in sight at the guy's front.
I said to Amy, "It's not yet there, look!"
AMY WENT TO THE TABLE AND POINTED TO CHOP STICK AND SAID, "It's here already!"
The Filipino guy was very angry and said to Amy in high tone of voice --"I'm very hungry now because you didn't understand that I ordered CHOPPED STEAK and not CHOP STICK!"
"Fuck you!"
Amy haven't really understand yet that words,
she asked, "YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?"
In one of Amy's early months of working as waitress at Image Restaurant, she once encountered a Palau guy who ordered a mixed drink SCREWDRIVER, which is a mixture of orange juice and vodka.
NOT KNOWING IT, SHE WENT TO OUR CARPENTER, WILLIE, AND ASK FOR A
SCREWDRIVER, LITERALLY!
She also have another embarrassing experience with serving steak (not chopped steak, this time), that the guest have noticed that her thumb is touching the steak.
The guest asked, "Why is your finger holding the steak? It's unsanitary! Why?"
Amy said, "SO THAT IT WILL NOT FALL ON THE FLOOR AGAIN!"
MEDIUM, RARE, WELL DONE?
When a guest ordered a steak, Amy was taught to ask the guest, "How would you like your steak to be cooked --- medium, rare or well done?
One night, an American couple ordered T-bone steak. She asked the American guy who ordered, "How would you like your steak to be cooked... medium, rare or well done?
The American guy said, "Medium rare". Amy said, OK. How about your drink, sir? The American said, "Beer".
Amy asked, "Medium, sir?"
The American was confused and asked, "What medium?"
AMY'S ANSWER: The coldness, sir, medium or very cold!
Source: Chess and Music (Perfect Combination)
The Beginning of Chess in Palau
By Roberto Hernandez
1992-2014
To be published as a book in the future
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